Tag Archives: Humour

Elvenquest

Fancy a spot of sword fighting, rescuing maidens and defeating evil warlords. All this (and more) doesn’t happen in Elvenquest, a comic fantasy audiodrama from the BBC.

Written by by Anil Gupta and Richard Pinto, and starring Stephen Mangan, Alistair McGowan, Darren Boyd, Kevin Eldon, Sophie Winkleman and Dave Lamb.

This is a parody of Middle-earth and just about all fantasy stories.
In Lower Earth, a band of warriors go forth to search for a mythical sword to save Lower Earth from the evil Lord Darkness. In order to do so, they must find “The Chosen One” who will save Lower Earth. The Chosen One is Amis, a dog in the real world which belongs to a fantasy novelist called Sam Porter.

There are four series, broadcast from 29 March to 3 June 2009 to the last on 12 February 2013.

Very funny, very recommended, very silly.

 

 

Calman On

Susan Calman is a Scottish comedian, I have heard her mainly on the weekly ‘The New Quiz‘ from the BBC.

It turns out she also did a comedy series titled “Keep Calman Carry On for the BBC. In it she ‘interviews’ fellow comedians about various subjects…

Episode 1
She goes walking with Muriel Gray (who I have never heard of) up a ‘hill’ in Scotland. I’m sure it is just a hill, not a mountain as she describes it.

Episode 2
Andy Zaltzman takes her to cricket. Andy is best known as half of the Bugle team with John Oliver. The only problem Susan has is getting Andy to shut up.

Episode 3
John Finnemore takes Susan on a spontaneous holiday. This is the best episode as John is a very talkative and cheerful person, who leads Susan on a fun day out.

Episode 4
Susan visits an art gallery with Phil Jupitus (who I know from Stephen Fry’s IQ program). Phil doesn’t say much, he appears to be a shy fellow when not in front of the camera.

 

 

Tech News

From 2006

Mr Brian Harcourt of Mayfield, South Canterbury has just
invented a remarkable new computer product. This as yet unnamed
device consists of two small directional microphones and a
microchip. The microphones are attached to each side of the
monitor, and the chip is mounted inside the computer.

The microphones pick up any noises made by the computer operator and relay these to the microprocessor. After processing, a suitable
response is computed and played through the computer’s speaker.
Results were interesting to say the least, try whistling and the
computer will respond with a counter-melody. Shout obscenities
and it replies with “You could be arrested for saying that in
public. The software knows 600,000 words if the English language
(including the naughty ones). Some responses include “Shouldn’t
you read the instructions first ?”, “How would I know that, I’m
just a dumb machine” and “If you did that to your child they
would lock you up for eternity (which is a sod of a long time).
In fact it is possible to have a limited conversation with your
computer (but you probably know that already). Experiments at a
local secondary school have been generally successful. “This is
great” a teacher claims, “with this device I don’t have to answer
a lot of stupid questions all the time, the computer does it for
me. The problem is that some students will believe the computers
more than the teachers”. after some thought she added “I suppose
that we always talked to the computers, it’s just that they now
answer back”.

After several weeks of trials the project has been
abandoned because of complaints from the teachers union. They
think it could put them out of a job. Mr Harcourt has refused to
give up. He has taken his invention to England where he plans to
put his idea to Clive Sinclair.

(c) 28/2/2006

 

At 60

Written for a relative who was having a 60th birthday in 2006.

10 Things good about turning 60

  1. Making the ‘6’ look like a ‘5″
  2. Getting more respect from your children
  3. Still being the youngest of your siblings
  4. Still NOT a grandfather
  5. Any slowing down can be attributed to ‘getting ready for retirement’
  6. Getting less respect from your children
  7. Friends now show you to the softer seats
  8. You now have an excuse for bad behavior
  9. A greater proportion of the ladies now look younger and sexier
  10. NO MORE DISH-WASHING

After the Election

Sometime after the 12 October 1996 NZ Election
(c) Nigel Baker  11/10/1996

Cabinet meeting room, parliament buildings.

In walks Jim Bolger, grinning like a Cheshire cat. He’s still the prime
minister. He takes a seat at the head of the table. Next comes Helen Clark. She is also smiling, after some quick negotiating with Jim she is now deputy PM. Ready and able to take shuffling steps forward in to the past.

Bolger waves his pudgy hands around, indicating the ten cabinet seats and who should fill them. There is some fighting over the finance seat between Birch and Cullen. Bolger wasn’t all that specific when he allocated the portfolios.

The remainder of the cabinet shuffle in like a flock of sheep.

Some appear to be missing.

Jim Anderson is absent. Despite gaining 18 seats in parliament, the
coalition between national & labour has relegated him permanently to the opposition.

Winstone Peters is the same way. He has disbanded his party. His retired helpers have gone back to their potting sheds.

You won’t find Alliance, christian or even McGillicudy Serious MPs.
All have been rendered useless by the solid block of MPs that were in the correct position to kiss leader butt.

10 minutes later :

Some MPs are beginning to pass out on the floor. Not from the heat, or lack of ventilation but from the affects of alcohol.

Doug Meyers has been helping the celebrations with some of his product. There was still some left over from last Saturday night.

“Come on Jenny, pass some of those drugs around” bellows Bolger from one end of the table to the other. A medicine bottle slides along the table. Jim stretches to catch the bottle. He has been eating a bit too much. His suit is tighter than usual. He misses the bottle, and it
breaks on the floor.

“AWW SHIT”, exclaims Birch. He is still teetering on his chair, pressing his big red nose to the polished oak table.

Doug Graham is growing impatient. “Shouldn’t we be DOING SOMETHING” he ponders aloud. “Like what ?” asks Bolger, even merrier than before. “Well, were the government now, we should be governing”.

“Don’t worry”. Bill Birch rising from table level. “It’s all been taken
care of”.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN ?” cries Doug.

“Well”, starts Birch, “Remember all those state assets we sold during the eighties and nineties. We told you that it was to get money to balance the budget. It’s all bullshit. We were doing it so we could let others run the country and we could enjoy ourselves. We sold them to some fine fellows – Gibbs, Fay, Richwhite, Fernyhough, Kerr, Deane, Jones”

“Great school mates” Mike Moore adds.

“Great mates” Birch continues. “Although some of them were tightwad sadistic bastards, but great school mates all the same. A toast to them”.

Those MPs still conscious raise their glasses.
“TO GREAT SCHOOL MATES” they boom throughout the beehive.

RU Healthy

Are You Healthy ?

Top 10 signs you need to go on a diet

1. When you wake up, the first thing you think of is “what’s for dinner?”
2. When you sit down, your ass spreads to cover the full width of the chair.
3. You have breasts and you’re a man.
4. That nice swishing sound when you walk is actually the inside of your legs rubbing together.
5. You threw out your Sports Illustrated Swimsuit magazines and subscribed to Cuisine.
6. Someone gave you a card that read I’m in shape, round is a shape?
7. When you look down, you can’t see your feet without leaning forward.
8. People hide behind you at parties.
9. Staff at your local takeaway already have your order ready when you arrive.
10. People keep giving advice on dieting.

Hunting Kakapo

Due to the imminent danger of extinction of the kakapo a group was recently organized to hunt the South Island for kakapo.

Because of the lack of success on previous occasions it was decided that if a range of people from different occupations were used, their different approaches to the same problem would bring better results than before. Sadly this was not so, the reasons for this are as follows.

The mathematicians threw out everything that did not resemble a kakapo, and caught whatever was left.

Professors attempted to prove the existence of at least one kakapo, and left the detection and capture to their graduate students.

Computer programmers used the following algorithm :
1. Go to Invercargill
2. Work northward by traversing east and west
3. During each traverse
Catch each animal seen
Compare to a known kakapo
Stop when match is found
Experienced programmers placed a kakapo at Nelson to ensure that the algorithm would end. Assembly programmers hunted in their hands and knees.

Engineers caught all flightless birds at random, and stopping when one of them was within 15% of the estimated weight of a kakapo.

Economists don’t hunt kakapo, but believe that if paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the fist bird they see n times an call it a kakapo.

Consultants don’t hunt kakapo, but can be hired by the hour to advise those who do.

Politicians don’t hunt kakapo, but will share the kakapo with the people who voted for them (except West Coasters).

Lawyers don’t hunt kakapo, they just argued about who owned the droppings.

Software lawyers claimed they owned all the kakapo in New Zealand based on the look and feel of one bird dropping.

Senior managers set hunting policies on the assumption that kakapo were just green kiwi’s.

Inspectors spent all their time looking for mistakes everyone else made when packing the landrovers.

Sales people spent the time selling kakapo to McDonalds as a kangaroo substitute.

Software salesmen caught rabbits, painted them green and sold them as desktop kakapo.

All the Aucklanders that went got lost.
No Kakapo were found.

Sit on it

Where do you sit ?

(the following observations based on attending too many lectures)

Ever wonder why a lecture room, auditorium or any place of gathering only seats a small proportion of the total allocated ?

This is because of the different types of people that inhabit such environments. First you have the quick thinking and smart (OK, anyone like me) individual. These turn up on time and head straight for the middle of the row, they wait and observe the other participants arriving.

Next comes the slower ones. They will need to choose a row and enter from one end, carefully deciding how close to sit to the clever buggers who got there first.

Some will rush up and take a seat next to those already sitting. If they are mildly annoying they will say hello and then stare vacantly ahead for the remaining time until the event commences. If they want to be really annoying they will inquire about the weather, why others are present and may even expose their uninformed views on the subject matter for the evening. They may chatter until the commencement of proceedings. Such people are rarely invited back.

Now here come some more, but this time they may not like those already seated. They will choose a seat some distance from those seated, perhaps four to five away. And for extra protection a bag (or whatever they have) will be placed between them and the idiot further along the row. But they have to be careful not to sit too far to the end, as they may encounter the worst individuals of all.

The most common spacing will be with one seat between people. This is throwback to childhood when schoolchildren were instructed to stand at least one arms length apart. A measurement of the distances between people will confirm that some practices persist into adulthood.

Now the worst of all, the person who sits at the end of the row. This obnoxious individual is obviously unaware of problems they cause to others. Everyone else has to squeeze pass them to get to a seat somewhere in the middle. If you are trying to pass, be sure to carry a bag or case and gently smack them in the face as you pass.

Now everyone has arrived and seating is complete. But here comes the speaker/lecturer. Some of these may attempt to break the seating formation. “OK, everyone. Don’t sit at the back. Come on down, there are plenty of seats at the front. Come on now, I won’t bite. I just want us to all get cosy today”. Under no circumstances should you move. People have already spent good time and effort in acquiring their seats. They are not going to move. So just cross your arms, lean back in your chair and give them a look of “Buggered if I’m going to move”. Eventually any efforts to get you to move will be unsuccessful. You can stay where you are.

So now we have it, a few in the middle, the idiots on the end some more scattered in the remaining seats. This formation can be seen in as a graphical representation of the bell shaped curve of intelligence. The intelligent ones in the middle, with those of lesser intelligence on the extremity of each row. And everyone wondering “Why did I come here ?”.

So, Where Do You Sit ?

NB 28/11/2003

Skiing

Why I don’t go skiing

Skiing isn’t a good idea. You need to be rich, flash and stupid. Let me explain.

First you will need to go shopping. Start with lots of money, you will be needing everything you can lay your hands on.

Now find a ski shop. These are only open in the winter. During the summer months they are usually used by some obscure charity organization selling hand crafted walnuts from Bolivia.

First you will need skis. These are 2m long planks. You may think they are for conveying you gently down a slope. This is not true. They are levers, inevitably your body will not be traveling in the same direction as the skis. Because high tech materials comprising wood and plastic are stronger then flesh and bone, injuries to sensitive parts are inevitable.

Expect injuries due to broken legs, sprained ankles and twisted knees to persist into old age. To protect your legs from protruding rocks, and wind blown snow you will need trousers.

These come in two styles :

The first is a skin tight, body hugging (show every curve) type. You should only consider purchasing these if someone (apart from spouse or family member) considers that you have sexy legs.

If you have sexy legs and breasts you should consider the full body suit. This body enhancing multicolored condom will ensure a quick response should you receive an injury.

The second style is the retro eighties styled baggy trousers. These tents will provide you with an accompanying wind song as you plunge over a cliff to your death. They will also provide men with camouflage should they have an involuntary response to the type one body suit.

You will need torso protection. Here the color is important. You will require something with sufficient color so you can hide in a tow queue. But not too bright or the keas will mistake you for a shiny object to either attack or take back to the nest as a plaything for the chicks.

Eye protection is a must. Again there are two choices.

The first is the dark glasses. These are available in a range of prices to match your social status. Expect to pay more for these than you did for your prescription glasses.

The second type is goggles. These can provide full face protection and camouflage. Especially useful when it’s your turn to clean up the mess at the end of the day.

You will also need pointed steel sticks, with a depth gauge in the end. This is used to prod others in the backside if they get in the way. The depth gauge is to ensure you don’t rupture any bowels. To make things even more dangerous, you will require two.

Now that you have spent several thousands, you have completed most of the spending. Soon you will be expected to spend only hundreds of dollars per day.

At about 11pm the night before your big day, expect your drunk friends to phone reminding you to be up early for the 7am start. They will inevitably arrive about 8am, after some of the company have forgotten to pack sufficient alcohol for the day.

If you are going to Mt Hutt be warned. When scaling the mountain the driver will remark at every bend “It’s about here that the strong winds will blow us over the side to the rocks below”.

If you are fat, expect to be asked to sit on the bonnet to provide traction for the final near vertical climb to the car park.

If you have been spending the first hour of your journey bragging about your gym work-out routine, be expected to push the car. If you have been comparing yourself to Hercules, be expected to lift the car while the chains are fitted.

It is a good idea to inquire of your friends if they have experience fitting chains to the correct wheels. If they hesitate only slightly, give them up for those who know what they are doing.

When you finally arrive you will require tow tickets. The queue should be about 50m long, but don’t worry, this is deliberate. You will need the practice at waiting when you get to the tow queue.

Now for the fun part of your day, getting up that white hunk of rock. The gray things on the snow are not fallen, fashion free skiers. They are rocks. You have arrived either early in the season before the snow maker has been repaired, or late when the snow is beginning to melt, and your family is spending their time at the beach. Remember that in New Zealand the ski fields are covered in tussock during summer.

Your method of getting to the top may vary. If your tow ticket was very cheap, expect to grab a hold of the farm tractor before it leaves.

A club ski field may have a rope tow. Don’t try grabbing the rope with your hand, that’s what a nutcracker is for (and don’t attempt to crack any nuts with it). After a day you will begin to develop upper body muscles. By the second day the pain should subside and you can start skiing properly.

The better ski field will have a “T” bar. This giant hook is for you. Just snuggle up closely to that geriatric old fart trying to reclaim his youth and wait.

When the hook hits you three thing can happen –
1. You could be taken safely to the top, but that is unlikely.
2. You could lurch forward, tangling your skis with your partner and falling in a heap in the path of the next pair of skiers.
3. Or you could sit down (a common error of the uninitiated). This will find you on your bum, sitting on your skis, sliding backwards into the tow queue. The sticks of those waiting should stop you. Just hope that they don’t use them in a horizontal manner, with the depth gauges removed.

Once you have mastered the art of rising gently to the top of the hill and tumbling down again you can call yourself a skier. By about 2pm you will get bored with all this and join your friends in the public bar. Don’t worry about your driver not drinking, this is a kiwi custom. Anyway it’s all downhill to home, you will make it home eventually.

When you finally get home (the same day unless you have stopped at a hotel on the way) you can relax.

Now reflect that it would have been better to stay in bed on a winters day and read.

And that’s why I don’t go skiing (anymore).

Nigel Baker
21/8/96

New Zealand Sea Shore Shanty

(to the tune of ” What should we do with a drunken sailor)

What should we do with New Zealand seashore
What should we do with New Zealand seashore
What should we do with New Zealand seashore
Early in this century

Hey, man Iwi should own it
Hey, man Iwi should own it
Hey, man Iwi should own it
Then sell it off to Seaworld

What should we do with New Zealand seashore
What should we do with New Zealand seashore
What should we do with New Zealand seashore
Early in this century

Hey, dude the government should own it
Hey, dude the government should own it
Hey, dude the government should own it
And run it like a railway

What should we do with New Zealand seashore
What should we do with New Zealand seashore
What should we do with New Zealand seashore
Early in this century

(repeat until 2004)

(written in 2003!)