Tag Archives: Humour

A Strange Story

We were exploring a strange world when we came to the edge of the land.

On the beach we found two strange partners. There was a large walrus, and a tall skinny chap with a stack of tools.

We sat on a rock to watch what they were doing. Then we noticed that along the beach strolled a line of oysters. “That’s strange” said Roger, “must be that caterpillar I ate”.

The oysters cried, “But wait a bit, before we have our chat, for some of us are out of breath, and all of us are fat”.

As we watched the walrus was devouring each oyster as it approached him. He ate until he was stuffed full. Then he lay down on the beach for a snooze.

The walrus lay between the sea and the rocks, blocking the way along the beach.

But the oysters just kept coming, they crawled over the sleeping walrus to the carpenter. Each oyster he carefully picked up and opened with a special tool. After eating the oyster, he examined the inside of the shell, them put it on one of the several piles behind him. As he worked, we could just hear him as he sung a tune.

Instruction, Division, Divide
Without my cocaine, I’ll never get high

Instruction, Division, Divide
This bit’s not high, so why am I

Instruction, Division, Divide
I’ll never get by, without my multiply

The walrus just belched. After some time he rolled over, stood up and resumed eating the oysters.

The carpenter became very agitated. “I’m late, I’m late. I must keep these in order for that little MIS. Get out of my way, I’ve work to do”.

But the walrus just ignored him. He was much bigger than the carpenter, and could use his size to block him from the row of oysters. The carpenter tried to push the walrus out of the way, he tried to get around him, but he didn’t want to get his feet wet. After some time he got tired any lay down for a sleep.

When the walrus finished the carpenter woke and resumed taking the oysters.

We went up to the pair and asked why they fought over the oysters. The walrus said “I need them to keep me alive, it’s all I can eat”. The carpenter said “I’ve work to do, a contract to fill, I’m paid by the shells that I keep.”

So we laid down on the beach and thought of many things , of bits and fats and things. Most of us just went to sleep.

Suddenly Steve jumped up “I KNOW” he shouted.

He asked the walrus, “why can’t you lie in the surf, you could get a suntan, keep cool in the water and eat”.

The walrus grumbled “But the carpenter will get all the oysters. And besides, the sea is boiling hot”. “It’s not hot, not java boiling hot” Steve splashed in the sea, to the amazement of the carpenter and the walrus. “And the carpenter won’t get your lot, he’s got no bleedin’ pot”.

So the walrus reluctantly lumbered into the surf and waited for the oysters. The line of oysters moved towards the walrus, he was big and black and all they could see.

At first the surf washed the oysters up onto the beach to the carpenter. But as the sea retreated, the line of oysters came up the walrus and he could continue eating them. They came infrequently, so he didn’t need to stuff himself, then have a sleep.

The carpenter could open the oysters, examine their contents and keep up with his work.

We stood and watched until the carpenter became engrossed in his work. He continued singing his songs..

Overflow, Carry, Extend
My flip flop friends are zero in the end

Link and Alocate
More registers, I just ate

Move here and Move here
Swap there and Swap there

“Hmm” wondered Steve as we left, “I wonder what would happen if they each had a line of oysters”.

Court Jesters

 

Ben Allen (MC) Emma Cusdin (Jester)

Dan Bain (Jester)[/caption]

Andrew Todd (Jester) Henri Nelis (Jester) Kris Finnerty (Muso)

 

 

Sketches Included:

McDonalds
Boomerangs
Teeth
Jungle Ballet

 

 

New Cars

Top 10 Features on the Automobiles for the American Market

1.    Quick release Wheels
2.     Rear-vision Mirror Lipstick Holders
3.    Cycle friendly Doors
4.     Instead of an Airbag – Secret Drug Compartment
5.    Machinegun
6.    Durable lead paint finish
7.    Soft asbestos seat covers
8.    Pizza Tray
9.    Heated Hamburger Slot
10.    Beer Can holder

Sam the Spider

There once was a spider called Sam,
whose web from a window he spun
He had some fun, adding knots and clocks and cute locks.
It was such a treat, all the insects stomped their feet.
So he weaved and he leaved, more things to decieve.
As more came to grin, he coloured it in.
But he built such a good web, he never got fed.
And now (how sad) poor Sam, is dangling dead from a thread.

(c) Nigel Baker

Message From Mars

Message From Mars

Greetings Earthlings

We, the amoebae collective of mars, send you a message of explanation.
We are aware that you now know of our presence. This was unforeseen and has prompted this response.

We had intended to evolve as you had, from sea slug to fish to a
quadruped to a bipedal of limited intelligence.

Instead we decided to wait and observe your behavior before
commencing our evolution. We have witnessed your move from a tribal species to one that can create great civilizations. Your achievements have been impressive.

However we became concerned with your social and technological changes in the last century. As a result of considerable debate, we decided to remain as we are and wait for a better role model.

Good luck with your experiments.

(c) NIgel Baker circa 2005

Hal Spacejock Series

Hal Spacejock
by Simon Haynes

Simon Haynes has cornered the market in humorous science fiction.
There isn’t anyone doing it with as much success.

Books in the Series :

  • Hal Spacejock 1 (2005)
  • Hal Spacejock 2 Second Course (2006)
  • Hal Spacejock 3 Just Desserts (2007)
  • Hal Spacejock 4 No Free Lunch (2008)
  • Hal Spacejock 5 Baker’s Dough (2012)
  • Hal Spacejock 6 Safe Art (2013)
  • Hal Spacejock 7 Big Bang (2014)

And short stories:

  • Hal Junior 1 The Secret Signal
  • Hal Junior 2 The Missing Case
  • Hal Junior 3 The Gyris Mission

 

The Hero’s Guides

The Hero’s Guides to
1. Saving Your Kingdom (2012)
2. Storming the Castle(2013)
3. Being an Outlaw (2014)
by Christopher Healy

Mushed-up myths, fracked and fractured fairy tales or just good clean fun. This series of books takes characters, creatures and castles and bangs them all together in gloriously silly and entertaining stories. They may be marketed at teenagers, but everyone can enjoy them.

The Dream Girl

The Dream Girl by Richard F. Myers

DreamGirl

 

Surprisingly racy (for it’s time – 1947) and funny stories about a woman who comes from dream to reality. Some of the portrayals of woman do date the book to its pre-feminist times.