The King Returns

The Lord of the Rings – The Return of the King
It’s a really a BIG sad film that will have you in tears.

I cried for the big spider, she was reduced to eating orcs.
Then when a nice fat hobbit comes along she can’t even eat him.

I sobbed uncontrollably for the cool dude in the black suit.
First this blonde nymphomaniac cuts off the head of his pet flying dragon. Then a bloody hobbit stabs him in the back, it’s just not sporting.

I was sad for the dead army, who obviously hadn’t got a film role since Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

But most of all, I cried for Smeagol. I can understand anyone killing because the friend hooked a bigger fish than him. But he was happy with his ring for 500 years until that nasty hobbit stole it from him. Then, in the moment of triumph when it came back to him he slipped and fell to his death. It was just too much for me.

I felt sad for Elrond, who gave his daughter Arwen everything; nice house, servants, even immortality. Then she wants to throw it all away by running off with a long-haired git who thinks he is king. She might as well be dating a musician.

And the little people, like those that spent all their lives at the top of a mountain just for that one moment when they were called on to light the beacons between Minas Tirith and Edoras.

Or the builders of Edoras, with not a forest in sight it must have been a back-breaking job lugging all that timber to the top of a hill just because the King wants an un-fortified house with a view.

I feared for the crippled of Minas Tirith. With all those steps in the hillside city and no wheelchair access.

And what about Treebeard, doomed to spend the rest of eternity baby sitting Sauramon at Isengard.

And what about Rose. She bears Sam three fine children and he still wants to go on “adventures” with his mates.

Sad, Very, Very Sad……

On the Letterman Show last night he had a Top 10 list of
“Dumb Guy Questions about in The Return of the King”
It was a rather pathetic list, here now is my (better) Top 10 list……

Top Ten Plot Surprises in “The Return of the King”

10. Sauron found at the bottom of a spider hole.
9. Merrin and Pippin return to the Shire, voted top comedy act of middle earth
8. The ring, it’s only gold PLATED.
7. Frodo marries Sam, they live happily ever after
6. Eowyn kills Arwen in a jealous rage.
5. Rivendell gets a queer guy make-over.
4. Gimli makes boots for all the Hobbits
3. Legolas gets a haircut and dies his hair black
2. Gandalf replaces his staff with a light-sabre

and finally, Number One……..

1. Gollum gets the ring and return in triumph to Mordor.
He is attacked and killed but Orcs, who fight over the ring for 100 years.

(written 2003)