The Top 100 Things I’d Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
From the list, my top picks:
I will not wear black. Uniforms and attire will be bright and cheery colors.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other request.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use.
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
I will never build only one of anything important.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out
copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.