Veep 4.01 – Joint Sessions
Twenty-four hours before Selina’s first major speech as President, her staff frantically tries to work out how she can say two completely opposite things (cuts in the military/ spending on the families first bill) at the same time. But, just before the speech begins, everything falls apart. The staff adjusts to their new roles in the White House: Gary questions his worth now that he can no longer be close to Selina. Jonah is put off by the hands-on approach of the new VP’s chief of staff, Teddy. Amy learns that Bill Ericsson, a rival campaign manager, may make a play for her job. Mike is trying to be healthy.
Kent: The only unthinkable thing is that anything is unthinkable.
Ben: Kent majored in fortune cookies.
Veep 3.10 – New Hampshire
While Selina balances her unexpected Presidency with the New Hampshire primary, Dan pushes Jonah to take the blame for the torture rumor in exchange for a job at the White House. There is a slight issue with the oath of office, because of Mike’s clumsiness. Selina accidentally tells Kent the wrong person to fire and ‘squeaks’ to the nation. To help her campaign, Selina visits a factory.
God, there’s so many people in here. It’s like a Mormon orgy.
Jonah: There’s one of me fuckin’ a chicken while dressed as bin Laden.
I am the most powerful person in the world. Is that correct? [All agree] Any fuck-up from now on is not just a fuck-up, it’s my legacy. Got it?! No fuck-ups!
No, stat. He’s useless. He’s a one-inch cock.
I came in third, Amy. Okay? Even the Nazis came in second.
Veep 3.09 – Crate
After Selina is caught badmouthing a reporter, putting the campaign in jeopardy, the team gets some unexpected news. Mike worries about balancing his home and work life. Selina and her staff wonder how to make her seem more down-to-earth, when they learn that Thornhill is leading in the polls.
Dan: Amy, I gotta say, you’re doing a great job. Seriously, you do me better that I do me.
Amy: You do yourself a lot.
Mike: [regarding Selina’s new campaign “platform”] She thinks it looks folksy, but she really looks like Dustin Hoffman on a crate.
Mike: [trying to unlock a cellphone] It’s password protected. Hang on. 0-0-0-1… 0-0-0-2… 0-0-0-3…
Selina: Well, there’s just… there’s just no way out of this. I mean, you know, not for a sitting Vice President… who’s lost Iowa and New Hampshire. You know what V.P. stands for? It stands for “victory perma-fucked.” I don’t deserve this. You know? Goddammit. I don’t, but you do. Because you are all losers! Every motherfuckin’ one of you! [pointing to Amy and Gary] Loser! Loser!
Selina: What are you talking about? What is it? Are we at war?
Kent: Ma’am, we’re America, we’re always at war.
Kent: The First Lady isn’t in a good place.
Selina: Oh. Hospital.
Kent: Mentally. POTUS has decided that he wants to devote more time to looking after her.
Kent: At any rate… he’s gonna resign.
Selina: Uh-uh. What?
Kent: Ma’am, you’re about to become the 45th President of the United States. It’s not a dress-rehersal, not a drill. You are going to be the president.
Veep 3.08 – Debate
The staff prepares for the debate between Selina and her rivals; Dan returns to the office after his panic attack; Gary inadvertently tells Wendy that Ray collaborated with Selina to make decisions. Selina makes a drastic change to her hair.
Ben: Well I’m a baby-faced, know-nothing Congressman from Shitstain, Nevada, who’s got the newly dropped balls enough to think that I can run for President.
Gary: What do you think of the new cut, huh? Do you like it?
Mike: Of course I don’t fucking like it! It’s the worst use of scissors since my failed vasectomy!
Doyle: I think I’ve endorsed a Nazi!
Furlong: It’d explain the Hitler haircut!
It there’s any dirty trick I can’t stand – it’s honesty.
Veep 3.07 – Special Relationship
During a trip in London, Selina is bombarded with questions regarding the influence of Ray and his online beliefs, which have been recovered by Jonah; Dan has a breakdown which could work in Amy’s favor. Selina makes some appearances, including a visit to a local pub and a speech at a War Service. The team learns of the suicide attempt of the First Lady.
He’s currently with a woman from the Bank of England. It’s like watching a goat try and use an ATM.
Let’s get the merry old fuck out of merry old England. Okay, I need to be driven to the airport at Diana speed. Okay, just more carefully, though, please.
Jonah: Let’s check out your chart. Let’s see how you’re doing, here. Okay. All right. Dan Egan, 67, female. Unemployed campaign manager. Thirty different types of semen pumped from stomach, inverted nipples, abnormally high douche readings—that makes sense. Cancer of the soul, traces of dog excrement found around the corners of mouth. Chronic cretinism, leprosy, anal bleeding. Uh… tiny child balls?
Veep 3.06 – Detroit
At an economic summit in Detroit, Selina’s staff and her family, especially Andrew, are peeved by the presence of her new personal trainer, Ray (Christopher Meloni), who is also her new lover. Meanwhile, Jonah and Mike negotiate a photo-op with Selina and Maddox, which only works for Maddox. Later, Catherine protects her mom from a protester. Selina attends a women’s gun show, after an anti-gun rumor is spread by Jonah through Minna Häkkinen.
Minna Häkkinen: I would like you to understand that in my country, politics is a lot more honest.
Selina: In your country, people fuck snow. And I hope you understand that I say that with the utmost respect.
Veep 3.05 – Fishing
Amy and Dan compete for the role of campaign manager: Dan is nice and Amy invites everyone to her home, while Selina meets with a third candidate, Bill Ericsson (Diedrich Bader); Mike causes a stir collecting his semen while at work for IVF purposes; Gary worries that his shoulder pain may prevent him from keeping his job; Selina, Dan and Gary travel to Virginia to persuade George Maddox (Isiah Whitlock, Jr.) not to run for president. Meanwhile, Jonah got a job working for Maddox through his uncle, who controls a major vote in New Hampshire.
You know, Dan, watching you try to be nice is like watching a baby smoke a cigarette. It’s kind of cool, but also very disturbing.
How much would I love to speak my mind on this campaign? Can you imagine if I did that? “Mississippi is chock full of assholes, I don’t trust the Chinese, and I gotta tell you something. I’m not gonna be able to pass a single piece of legislation that’s really gonna make any fuck of a difference in your life.” So how’s that for my platform?
Veep 3.04 – Clovis
On a fundraising trip in Silicon Valley, Selina is challenged by an anti-fracking mom and visits the campus of Clovis, a tech company with an ambitious young CEO, Craig. At Clovis, Amy is offered a job; In D.C., Jonah makes a crude viral video of the Selina-mom encounter, and Dan, with Ben’s help, gets an idea for a torture rumor he can spread against Chung through Jonah. Gary begins to show signs of shoulder pains.
I’m taking these people back to dial-up, you know what I mean? They think they’re kings of America.
I know you’re walking around here like you’re C-3PO with a big brass shiny erection, but I’ve got news for you, this is kindergarten for cyber-brats. And I’ll tell you something else: if you’re over 30, check it out. [indicates an elderly cleaner nearby] That’s where you’re headed my friend, if you work here. I gotta go to the bathroom. Do they have a bathroom here, or do they put their turds up in the cloud?
Veep 3.03 – Alicia
Selina is hours away from announcing her candidacy; Mike begs Jonah not to do an article on a recent outburst but is saved by Alicia Bryce; Dan tries to get Saturday Night Live to apologize for a sketch they did about Selina, but ends up making it worse.
Meanwhile Doyle pressures Selina to drop universal childcare and therefore Alicia. In the midst of all, Catherine wears the same outfit as her mother.
Catherine: Okay. Your big day is a travesty, all right? I get it. It’s like my 21st birthday, or my 18th birthday, or every other birthday, okay? Your entire life has been leading up to this moment, and as a result of that, my entire life has been awful. Posing for Christmas cards, watching C-SPAN instead of Sesame Street, going to memorials of old Israeli men that I’ve never even heard of. I have had a hard, lonely, miserable life, and the only thing that is gonna make it worthwhile is if I become the daughter of the next President of the United States. So you need to go out there, and you need to stop behaving like a little bitch.
Veep 3.02 – The Choice
After a quick visit to their new campaign HQ, Selina and her team go on a ride-along with the Coast Guard, where they learn the president has flipped on a major issue (pro life/pro choice), which makes Selina meet different pressure groups and reexamine her own stance. Jonah stirs chaos with his new blog called ‘Ryantology’, angering Dan; Mike is called into work from his honeymoon. Meanwhile, Gary questions his role with the Veep and tries to come up with new ideas for the campaign.
Instead of doing all this pre-campaigning, sometime in the next 24 hours, you grab a mic, you say, “I’m Selina Meyer, and I’m running for President of the United States.”
Dan: You don’t announce your candidacy while the incumbent is still warm. That’s like trying to bang the widow at the funeral. You would have hear start her campaign with no strategy, no money, no staff except for [indicating himself…] Superman and […and Amy] Wonder Woman over there, just, [super-cutesy] “I wanna be President.”
Dan: I was clear! I was clear! We just need to pick a fucking number, any fucking number. Give that fucking number to the fucking press, and go to fucking bed! I mean, how much more clarity do you need? You want to print it on a fucking t-shirt? Come on! I’m so sorry. I did not mean to blow up like that.